while i'm here

i have an extreme fear of death. the thought of ceasing to exist forever fills me with an irrational, almost animalistic terror beyond comprehension. the pain or suffering doesn't immediately scares me. but the void, the idea that one day everything i've ever felt/thought/loved/experienced will simply cease to exist.

i don't really know how to make peace with that. i'm not sure anyone has either (other than maybe the most zen monks). maybe fear of death is a kind of gift. maybe it means it means i care. maybe it means this life right now matters to me more than i can put into words.

so while i'm here, i want to mean it.